Trickling Sand

Morpheus: Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain. But you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life. That there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Neo: The Matrix?

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is? The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

– The Matrix

I start this post with a dialogue from one of my favourite movies of all time, The Matrix. Not only was it a great sci-fi action flick, the movie brings together so many great philosophical ideas: free will and predestination, simulation theory, nature of reality, etc. To top if off, it is a Christian allegory disguised as an sci-fi movie (Neo is *surprise* a Christ figure!). To give you all of my thoughts on The Matrix would take a post or two, but today, I wanted to focus on the dialogue above.

Isn’t this a basic human condition: feeling that something is wrong, that something is missing, that one can never be fully happy? I have certainly felt this way pretty much my entire adult life (I began writing about this on my first website more than 20 years ago). That’s not to say that I am not grateful for all the blessings that God has showered on me. Rather, there is a deeper yearning in the depths of my heart that I cannot fully explain. It’s a gnawing feeling that just doesn’t go away.

This feeling is there, day and night, like background noise. I recall the days of analog, over-the-air television. If you don’t tune to the correct frequency or point your rabbit ears in the right direction, all you would get is a screen of static and a high frequency, hissing noise. I describe the gnawing feeling this way because like the hissing noise on the tv, it is easy to overcome. You can have play some music over the background noise and things will be fine. Sometimes, you even get used to it and your mind begins to ignore it.

Isn’t this what many of us do? We distract ourselves with work, hobbies, buying things, entertainment, and career achievements. Yet, how many of these things truly give us the fulfilment that we are seeking? Another way of describing this feeling is that we all have a void to fill. We feel that something is lacking in our lives, but often don’t know what it is. We attempt to use all of the things above to fill the void, but as we have experienced, the satisfaction attained is temporary and short-lived. So, we know this: the void is infinitely big.

I’m not a mathematician, but I know you can’t get to infinity by adding a finite number of things together. You need something that is infinite. By now, the answer is obvious. St. Augustine succinctly describes the solution in his autobiography, Confessions, “My heart is restless until it rests in you.” This means that, for us men especially, chasing money, status, recognition, a big house, a fast car will not cure the gnawing feeling we have. We have to put God into that equation in order for it to balance.

I read Confessions when I was in university and so, I should know this. I should be able to tell you, “of course, I don’t have that gnawing feeling anymore; I’ve found the Lord!” However, I am sorry to report that the gnawing feeling is perhaps even greater now that I’m in my middle age. I can certainly understand why many people have midlife crises. We are at a stage in life when the things we wanted to achieve have been achieved, like progressing in career, getting married, having kids, owning a car and a house. Yet, we still feel something is missing. So, what have I been doing wrong? Why, after finding God, do I still feel unfulfilled?

This is something you will hear on this blog often: I don’t think I have the answer. Like the rest of us, I’m just trying to live this life the best I can and struggles abound! Don’t feel alone though. Mother Teresa, or St. Teresa of Calcutta, experience a long period of dryness in her spiritual life. Think about it? One of the greatest saints of the 20th century had the same gnawing feeling that you and I have, and for 50 years! I know that is not really encouragement, but at least we are in good company.

Years ago, I wrote about about one of my favourite songs, Blessings by Laura Story. At the end of the song, she wonders, “What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?” That’s exactly it! We aren’t meant to be fully happy in this life, but the next!

I don’t want to end there though. Sure, that theoretically makes sense to me, but on a practical level, it does not benefit us. Should we simply just wait until we die and give up on obtaining true joy in this life? Of course not! This topic will continue to be one of the main focuses of this blog. The gnawing feeling is, may I say, a gift from God! It provides us the drive to continue on our journey, to seek God and to do His will. God has a calling for each of us. What Augustine describes as “resting in God” is really an acceptance of and co-operation with that calling. I can’t say I know what God’s calling for me is at this stage in life, but I hope you will continue to journey with me as I seek it.

Have a blessed day, and won’t you leave me a comment below to encourage me?! 😁😁😁